Better than she was before… Better, Stronger, Happier. A Breast Cancer Journal
A Fresh Start.
Just days before that lump jumped to centre stage, Mark presented me with this birthday card.
Its message so maddeningly trite but true.
Since then, life has seemed a series of countdowns. To surgeries, celebrations and ends of various treatments.
Escaping to the I Can Do It! Conference this weekend reminded me of the importance of choosing :
- flexibility
- happiness
- openness to new perspectives and new possibilities
- self care
- healthy thoughts and habits
Above all, it reminded me that every breath can be a chance to start fresh.
I think I’ll take a few.
More Happiness here.
Posted by Andrea June 2, 2010 at 6:56 am.
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Following my final chemo last week, I published some musings on family.
I’m thinking now, though, I might have judged too harshly.
In response to today’s Happiness Is… post, celebrating the end of my chemo and the beginning of spring, we received the following first blog comment from my estranged mother, Josephine Ross:
TIME FOR YOU TO STOP ALL OF THIS SLANDER AND HATRED………….. AS THEY SAY IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND OWN UP TO YOUR OWN PROBLEMS. IT IS ALWAY EASY TO PUT THE BLAME ON EVERYONE ELSE. JOSIE
Gee, thanks mom.
Andrea Ross was diagnosed with breast cancer October 6, 2009 and intends to survive and thrive. You can read more from Andrea here.
Posted by Andrea April 13, 2010 at 8:48 am.
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Forgiveness is a skill. Like any other skill we have to practice it… We have to practice forgiveness daily, all day long, … to build up our forgiveness muscles.
– Lama Marut. What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t. 2008.
More Borrowed Words here.
Posted by Andrea April 10, 2010 at 7:44 am.
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This journey has led me to think a lot about family.
My Family Is Not
My family has not been my sister, Linda, from whom I’ve heard word zero for months, despite my email updates and her easy access to this blog.
My family has not been my brother, David, who popped into my life briefly following my diagnosis, who is, apparently, able to send me good vibes but has not bothered to follow this blog or to correspond.
My family is not my parents, Keith and Josie, whose only reaction to my journey has been self-pity, blame, hostility and poison.
My family has not been Mark’s sister, Barb, whose correspondence has been a total of two terse email responses to two of my email updates in the early days of this journey.
My Family Is
My family is Mark, Lucy, Bayla, Mark’s parents, Rhoda and Bert, my cousin Kelly and her family, my Aunt Barb and Uncle Wilf, our dear friends near and far, those of you out there with whom we’ve shared friendship, support, laughs, ups and downs before and during this challenge, and those with whom warm friendships have recently started to sprout.
And with whom we’ll continue to share friendship, support, laughs, ups and downs for years to come.
It’s been a painful learning but I am grateful for the realization and the healing which I hope will follow it.
And I am grateful for my family.
Related Posts:
More Journey Learnings here.
Posted by Andrea April 3, 2010 at 5:19 pm.
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Prior to this journey, I had a long-standing, comfortable, mutually supportive, fun, close relationship with exactly one member of my family.
My sister, Linda.
In Boulder, Colorado.
Three thousand kilometres away.
That’s one out of 78++ family members:
- 4 direct family members of mine
- 4 direct family members of Mark’s
- 18 maternal first cousins of mine (a hint of one promising relationship)
- 52 paternal first cousins of mine (one friendly but distant relationship)
- my 35+ aunts and uncles
- not to mention Mark’s cousins, aunts and uncles.
During the first five months of this journey, long lost cousins Tracy, Kathi, Betti and Stephanie have found and chosen to follow this blog and have offered hints at new beginnings and good vibes.
One very special cousin, Kelly, has become a pillar of emotional support, providing frequent and dependable doses of cheerleading, wisdom, humour and good company. She has become a huge part of our little family.
And without a single physical meeting or even a phone call, my long lost Aunt Barbara has become as much an aunt to my own girls as they have ever known.
This burgeoning renewal of faded childhood connections has been nurturing, healing, educational and warm. And I am immensely grateful.
Yet even the failures at reconnection have been educational.
Some of the most intriguing and thought-provoking phenomenon have been the reverberations — both positive and negative — of my diagnosis on the most painful, ever-present histories, lurking hurts, disconnections, uncommunicated expectations and disappointments of the relationships with 7 of our direct family members.
This morning, as Mark joined me for my morning Gratitude trek, we tossed around our impressions, observations and feelings about the dances that have grown out of my diagnosis and the five distinct Patterns to Peace which have naturally emerged:
- Instantly Committed — Hands On
- Instantly Connected — Hands Off
- Unchanged — Innocuous
- Cautious
- Unchanged — Destructive
Perhaps you’ve seen similar patterns in your own experiences?
It’s a long conversation but it’s important for us to share it. We hope you will give it a listen and that you’ll grant us the privilege of your thoughts, below.
Thank you for listening.
Related Posts:
Podcast: Play in new window
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We’ve had our audio recorders running during a good chunk of our journey. You can hear more audio collages here.
Posted by Andrea March 13, 2010 at 3:35 pm.
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I love this quote because it makes not-forgiving seem just plain ridiculous.
Now the question is, does forgiveness require reconciliation?
Can I successfully forgive an irreparably destructive force without interacting with it or re-establishing a relationship with it?
What do you think?
Andrea Ross was diagnosed with breast cancer October 6, 2009 and intends to survive and thrive. You can read more from Andrea here.
Posted by Andrea March 2, 2010 at 6:16 am.
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Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.
- Anonymous
More Borrowed Words here.
Posted by Andrea February 28, 2010 at 11:44 am.
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It was February, 1998. I was healthy, happy, fit and in love. I was having exciting adventures. I had good friends, a great relationship and a satisfying job. Life was fine.
There was just one tiny, huge problem: I was getting dangerously close to thirty-five, my biological clock was thrashing wildly and my twenty-something live-in sweetheart was firmly rooted in Funville. Kids and commitment could wait. And for him, they really could.
I made myself miserable. Sure, our daily life was fun but when my youth had fled, he’d gallop off for kids and commitment elsewhere.
It hurt.
And my young beau didn’t get it. For “christmas” that year, he’d flippantly dug the dagger deeper, presenting me with what was obviously a gift-wrapped ring box. But wasn’t. And very much enjoyed the joke.
Back to February, 1998. My young partner becomes an uncle, again. He’s thrilled and proposes we drop in and meet the new baby.
I thought I could do it.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t face the beautiful new baby. I couldn’t face the joyful mother. I just sat in their kitchen. And waited. And felt wretched for doing that. And felt wretched for the envy and hurt and despair that made me.
And all these years I’ve hung onto that shame; cringed at my inability to suck it up and at least fake some happiness for the mother and child.
I’ve forgiven Mark for the engagement-ring gag. I’ve forgiven him for carting me over there.
It’s time I forgave myself.
Andrea Ross was diagnosed with breast cancer October 6, 2009 and intends to survive and thrive. You can read more from Andrea here.
Posted by Andrea February 26, 2010 at 12:38 pm.
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Coffee.
This morning I had my first cup of coffee since my diagnosis, exactly four months minus one day ago.
Sure, it was take-out, tepid and left me feeling jangled and quite sick to my stomach.
I simply forgave it.
Freedom and forgiveness — it’s a very groovy time.
More Happiness here.
Posted by Andrea February 5, 2010 at 11:06 am.
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To me, my family is the best most AMAZING part of my life, sometimes most of the time I fight with Lucy, but she’s my sister, doesn’t everybody fight with their siblings? Sure, mom and dad get mad at me and Lucy , but that’s normal. Don’t normal familys have their problems too? One of our problems is that mom has cancer. These are my thoughts; mom should connect with the ground pretend she is growing roots on her feet and they are growing deep in the darkness of the deep dense soil, that should make her feel really good.
Bayla (Now 9!) is the youngest member of the Clan Ross-Blevis. You can read more from Bayla here.
Posted by Bayla February 3, 2010 at 6:17 am.
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Christopher was a large crab who lived as a pet in one corner of a pull-out lobster tank at the generous and friendly Butland’s Seafood, just outside Fundy National Park.
Surrounded by lobsters of every size and colour, and occasionally picked up and showed off to lucky customers, he dealt with the terror by closing his eyes. If he couldn’t see us, then we couldn’t see him.
I’ve always done the same.
When faced with the terror of possible judgement, rejection, criticism or the source of a deep and open hurt, I simply refuse to look.
Family gatherings, group activities, crowded school yards, you name it, I protect myself by averting my eyes. If I can’t see them, they can’t see me. They can’t judge me, reject me or hurt me. They can’t see into me.
Reading this post by our friend Daniele Rossi, I realized this is another hamstringing habit that has to go.
To let go, to connect, to be fully alive, I need to open my eyes. I need to take in what’s really there.
I need to touch the burner.
Part of me knows I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
More Journey Learnings here.
Posted by Andrea February 1, 2010 at 6:18 am.
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There are tonnes of things I love about living in Ottawa, and the Rideau Canal Skateway is number one, hands down.
In twenty-four winters of hopes dashed or bettered, I have never had a harsh word for the skateway.
Even when I went through to my thigh in ice-cold water (which is what I deserved for skating out of bounds).
Even when I sprained my thumb and had to forgo my very first xc-ski race (which is what I should have expected when skating with a brain-injured friend — twice my size).
Even when it melts and freezes and melts and freezes, when it’s bumpy, or crowded, or narrow, or short or when snow-covered cracks threaten to send me flying.
I absolutely always excuse it. I fiercely defend it. I’m unconditionally grateful when it’s open. I focus only on what’s good.
If only forgiveness were always so easy.
Andrea Ross was diagnosed with breast cancer October 6, 2009 and intends to survive and thrive. You can read more from Andrea here.
Posted by Andrea January 24, 2010 at 6:19 am.
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Being bullied, belittled and abused from birth definitely didn’t make me the most carefree of characters. It left me raw and responsive to random nastiness. It made injustices cling — each incidental injury tearing into the stinging wound within.
And the clinging hurts became cancer.
I’m realizing now that I have to let go. That to flush the cancer from my body, I need to flush out the pain. I need to expel the anguish I feel every single day. I need to release the resentment towards the handful of people who have hurt me most; who continue to hurt me, through snipes, spite or snubbing.
I must.
But how?
More Journey Learnings here.
Posted by Andrea January 12, 2010 at 11:47 am.
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A comment from Brenda (here) made me think of the following poem, which I wrote when I was 13:
Hatred
Hatred is a weed that grows,
Inside a troubled mind,
Churning thoughts of wretched things,
That twist and knot and bind
The remedy is only this –
(if you’ve an ear to lend),
A laugh, a kiss, a cheerful glance,
The kindness of a friend.
– Andrea Ross, age 13
Hmmm……
Pictured above, tween-age me and Olivia Newton John — breast cancer survivor.
Andrea Ross was diagnosed with breast cancer October 6, 2009 and intends to survive and thrive. You can read more from Andrea here.
Posted by Andrea January 3, 2010 at 2:56 pm.
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Years of early indoctrination infused in me an unshakable sense of worthlessness and, as a result, self-loathing. Despite huge efforts throughout my adult life, this injury kept me distracted from the great good that surrounds me and left me raw and reactive to the snipes and whims of every toxic family member or acquaintance.
The unabating care and kindess of friends, family and community members during this health challenge is providing me with a steady stream of invitations to boot my belittling beliefs, to accept and focus on the good, and to let the saboteurs slide.
Will I accept the invitation? I’ll certainly try.
More Journey Learnings here.
Posted by Andrea January 2, 2010 at 3:10 pm.
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A Fresh Start.
Andrea
Lucy* (10)
Bayla* (8)